Silence kills

Silence kills...

Ask the morose man in the library.

Ask the couple with no conversation,

Ask the girl alienated by her friends,

Ask the boy who stares at his video game.

Silence kills...

The family who lost their only child,

The star-crossed lovers punished by fate,

The survivor waiting for the doctor's diagnosis,

The child who senses disappointment in his parents' silence.

Silence is golden; is it really though?

Not when it is a punishment,

Not when it reeks of resentment,

Not when it is a sign of emotions pent,

Not when your life is a crescent;

If only...

Silence, you could anxiety,

Differences, fate, hate, 

Judgement, anger, melancholy, 

Then fear, you wouldn't silence.

And a true companion you will find,

In lows and highs,

Holding a mirror to your soul,

A Silence that will usher in solitude,

Serene, tranquil and gratifying!

Moms, milestones and memories!

Everyday, when I look at my baby girl, several things come to my mind, which I wish I could tell her. I could say those out loud, but they wouldn't mean anything but a babble to her :) So, I thought of penning them down not just for her, but as a memory of these wonderful times for me.

1. Thanks for bringing this beautiful title of 'Mom' to me - There wouldn't be a me, without a you! I wouldn't have enjoyed all these precious moments without you to make them so treasure-worthy. On a side note, thanks for helping me see this new and unexplored side to your father; his personality just changes once you are with him :)

2. 'I love you' is just not enough of a phrase to describe the way I feel about you, the way you make me feel when I have you in my arms. I feel tired, but happy all the time; I can't wait for you to sleep so I can get some sleep, but all I do is soak in your innocence as you sleep; I keep saying that I want some time for my self, but all I do in that time is to go through your pictures and videos. Someday, maybe you could come up with a word that would suffice these feelings! 

3. I grow with you - It's not just you who is achieving milestones; every day you grow, you teach me a new lesson too. A lesson in patience, a lesson in compassion, a lesson about perseverance (when you keep standing up just to fall the next minute, but stand again the very next second).

4. The way you make me feel - When you look up at me with those big, black eyes, and focus with undivided attention, just to break into a smile after you realize it's your mom, I feel like there is nothing else that matters in this world. You make me feel wanted and loved all at the same time!

5. I need you as much as you need me -You are my source of happiness and pride. I find my pleasure in your little achievements, and I need you, to feel grounded, when I lose sight of what life is about. You make me enjoy the present and not worry about the future. 

6. I absolutely love that you have a personality of your own - Who knew such tiny lives could have their own wills and desires. You have your own way of enjoying your time, I just can't make you do anything. (I hope even in the future, I can let you be you, and don't stifle you with stereotypes). If you don't want to play with toys, and just want to sit on the floor singing your heart out, you do that! I love that everyday is a new challenge for you and you love making your days colorful with new activities everyday. One day you just sit there clapping your hands in happiness, and on other days, you want to jump up and down like there is no stopping you; no matter what, you are just full of smiles and energy.

7. I just don't like sharing you - Even if it is just with your father!!! I had you just to me, for a long time, so it bothers me sometimes to have so many people to vie for your attention! And I know this is just the beginning; you are going to have a mind of your own and an independent life, with lots of people I would have to share you with. But that's okay; that is why I am trying to make the most of this 'Just you and me' time :)

8. Nobody told me doing laundry could be so exciting - As much of a chore it is, I enjoy doing your laundry and folding up those tiny booties, adorable little onesies that say cute things like 'Mommy and me', 'Cute as a button', and the likes. It just reminds me how tiny you are and takes me to a happy place with unicorns and butterflies.

P.S. Of course, there are those laundry loads after a diaper leak, that I just want to put off ;)

9. Since we are on the topic of clothes,I need to tell you how much it breaks my heart, every time you grow out of a pair of shoes or your sleep suits. It keeps reminding me that soon you won't fit in my arms and that is a very scary thought. 

10. I am new at this and I make mistakes, but you still come to me for comfort - It is just so endearing that even though I might not understand your baby language all the time, even though I make mistakes understanding your needs; you come back to me with all your love and trust. All I can think of then, is that we are in for a long journey together and I might make lots of mistakes; but I hope you will always trust in me and never forget that I am your biggest cheerleader; everything I do comes from my love for you.

11. You have brought us so many gifts; the gift of hope, the gift of love, the gift of space (our new home), the gift of family and friends and most important, the gift of such a bubbly package of joy as you! I only hope that we can count our blessings and make you as happy as you make us!

12. And finally, my heart sinks to even think about it, but I know it's inevitable. There are going to be times of heartbreak, disappointments and failure; and I cannot prevent that from happening. All I want you to know is that I will always be there for you to fall back on. I would give anything to protect you from all the darkness, but if I cannot, I will be there to show you the light!

P.S. All pictures are copyright of Amruta Marwah. Any reuse, duplication or reproduction of these pictures will be a violation of the copyright law.

Rejected without Prejudice!

The wind blowing her scarf, she stood there soaking in the sights and sounds of this alien country. A country she had been fighting a silent battle with. It had been so many years, such a long time; time that had been expected to heal wounds, help make fresh memories miraculously. And memories had been built in all those years, there was fervor to see each other, almost the kind of excitement a child has before he sees Santa Claus; excitement for a future, to relive the waltz of shared memories. 

Shailendra and Pooja were meeting after a huge gap, a time span that had given them a lot of time to ponder over the seemingly short 5 years of their lives. The five years that they had spent together, the time that had been a roller-coaster ride, resplendent with all the hues of life. Pooja and Shailendra were the poster couple of modern India, in times where India was represented by the IT world. They had worked in a huge IT company, where everybody was trying to climb up the ladder. They were living in an era where software engineers were among the best paid in India and it was a welcome change. That era marked the change of tides for India, an India where most families had been middle class suddenly had their children earning much more then they had ever started with. And these young graduates were thrilled to be able to possess the buying power their parents had acquired after years of struggle.

Such were the times Pooja and Shailendra were living in. And like all others, they wanted to make money, save money and achieve every dream possible. All these ambitions came at a cost, the cost of working hard without a thought to personal lives. Even though these companies paid graduates well, striding ahead only came with setting yourself apart from the rest of the herd. It was this shared ambition, the shared agony of dreams that brought Pooja and Shailendra together. Both would work long hours, take up difficult projects and yet find time to smile about the little things in life. It had almost become routine for them to catch up after work to get a bite to eat and bond over common enemies, like the project manager. Soon, they had moved on to be more than friends. Shailendra and Pooja were not the head-over-heels, love at first sight couple. They were the kind who tried to find logic in love. They were the new practical generation, or so they thought.

As soon as they realized the compatibility was a little more than common sense, they decided to stick together for the long haul. Friends were informed, parents were introduced and things started moving in the ‘happily ever after’ direction. But, for one catch; Shailendra had decided he wanted to achieve much more in life than slog for a software company. He wanted to gain experience and learn the ways of the world. He had applied to MBA schools across the world; If he decided to join any of these schools, what would happen to this relationship? Was an 8-month relationship strong enough to endure the pressure of a 2-year gap? Pooja and Shailendra had spoken about this many times, and although Pooja was apprehensive about it, Shailendra assured her that things would work out. 

After ample reassuring for both sets of parents, Shailendra left for the “Land of Opportunities”, leaving behind a doubtful Pooja. “You have to make sure you keep in touch, you can’t just use distance as an excuse”, muttered Pooja. “Don’t you worry, we are mature, sensible adults, we will sail through. And it is just a matter of two years”, responded Shailendra. As Shailendra left, Pooja knew it wasn’t going to be easy, but the determination in Shailendra’s eyes brought her confidence. 

Pooja moved to a new job; working in the same office without Shailendra around made it difficult for her in some ways. And the work was getting monotonous too. Shailendra found life as a student more challenging than he had imagined. Even with the challenges of time difference, they made time for each other and would fill each other in on the details of their day. The first few days passed smoothly. There was a lot of understanding for each other, all the patience in the world, and of course, the wonderful memories to reminisce about. The first few years of any relationship are the most blissful, people ride high on the novelty of the relationship, people are willing to make compromises and people are optimistic. Pooja and Shailendra were no different, they were putting in efforts to make maximum time for each other, they were putting each other above themselves, and they were already making compromises. But, what people don’t realize is that the sooner you start making compromises, the faster you become bitter about those. 

And then the inevitable happened. The distance started building a barrier, a barrier not because of lack of love, but because of the run-of-the-mill things of life. The busier they became in their lives, their work, the tougher it became to find time for each other. And all the technology in the world does not help, when you actually don’t have any common ground. But the hope of meeting each other soon kept them going. “I will be done soon, and then everything will be like before”, Shailendra reiterated to Pooja. “But, it has been too long, Shail. I need to see you, I really miss you, being around you, talking to you. Couldn’t you possibly find more time for me?”, Pooja said disappointedly. “We had known this all along, so why are you getting disturbed by it? It will be fine, it is just a matter of a few days. We can do this”, chimed Shailendra.

And so, they started planning for the future, of better days to come ahead. Days turned into weeks, weeks into months, and soon it was time for Shailendra to graduate. Pooja did not want to miss this proud moment, a moment that testified for all their sacrifices and compromises, a moment that defined the hard work both of them had put in, a moment for which their relationship had taken the beating, and a moment that would lead them to a better tomorrow. She watched the ceremony on a video call; nobody was happier than Pooja, she had sent out a congratulatory package for Shailendra to enjoy at his graduation party.  It was flowers and his absolute favorite apple pie. It was past midnight in India, but he had to call her. “Oh thanks a ton, Pooja… You are the best, a guy could ask for. You have been so patient all along, you have been a rock, getting me through this challenge. I could not have done it without you and yet, you are the one celebrating me”, said Shailendra to Pooja. “Hey don’t get me wrong! It is our relationship that I was celebrating”, Pooja replied with a giggle. “Oh really??? Like I don’t know you. I just don’t know what I would do without you. You keep my life interesting. You are the sugar and spice of my life. I just can’t wait to see you”, said Shailendra in excited tones. “I know, me too, and yes, flattery won’t do; I am expecting lots of wonderful gifts for all that you put me through”. “Oh yes Ma’m, I am well aware of that”, Shailendra said. It was moments like these that had kept their love alive and given it strength to bear the strains of a long distance relationship.

The plan had always been for Shailendra to work for a few years to repay the student loan, marry Pooja, and decide where to go from there. So, the next step for Shailendra was to find a job. Once he found a job, he would be able to go back to India for a vacation. He was on a student visa, and if he left the country without securing a job, he would not be able to come back. So, wait he did, for the perfect job. And waited Pooja too, for another trial in their relation. The job search brought with it another set of stressors. The frustration of not being able to find a good job, worth the degree, the disappointment at not being able to go back to India, the bursting of the bubble of a great life in America, all took their toll on Shailendra. And he gradually turned into a different person. He wasn’t sure of anything anymore. 

But Pooja stood by him at all times, assuring him of his worth, rationalizing with him to settle for a decent job for now. “You can always find a better job later. You know how it is with our field, it is so easy to make a switch. What is important right now is to move to the next step”, Pooja explained. “It is so easy, right. Like I am not trying, and yes, I won’t settle for less. You are just saying this because all you care about is me coming back. You don’t care about my job, my dreams…..”, snapped a beaten down Shailendra. There was silence, and then Pooja spoke, “I thought they were our dreams….”

At that point, both of them knew their relationship was moving into dangerous waters. And a buoy would have to be put in soon, to keep it afloat. Pooja prayed and prayed for Shailendra to face reality and be practical. Not that she did not understand his position; he expected returns for his sacrifices. What Shailendra couldn’t see was the fact that he was sacrificing much more in the process. 

Eventually, he did find a job, but a man who is not happy with himself can never make anyone else happy. Shailendra was a changed man now. And so changed the relation. Pooja was running out of her patient streak too. All she wanted was to see him and revive their relation. She knew what was transpiring was dangerous for their relation. So, she decided it was time for her to make amends. Pooja made a suggestion, “Shail, what do you say? It is obviously difficult for you to take a vacation. Maybe, it would be better if I made a trip to America. You don’t have to worry about the million things, and we don’t have to keep waiting….”. “That is actually not a bad idea. It would work out great. You are a genius, Pooja! Lets make this work!” said Shailendra. 

Thus, started the process of Pooja’s attempt to cross seven seas for her love. In great spirits, she got the documents ready and set out for her visa interview. And then, when she was expecting it least, came another blow. She had been denied the visa for “inexplicable reasons”. For anyone, who has applied for a US visa, this wasn’t a new term. You can be denied the right to visit another country for any and every reason under the sun. And worse, the embassy was not answerable to you. But this was Pooja’s first time, and standing there in the middle of the room, she did not know what had hit her. She walked out in a daze, not knowing what to do next. As she spoke to Shailendra, she decided to apply for the US visa again. She tried once more and was denied again, “Rejected without prejudice” stamped across her application.

Both Pooja and Shailendra were tired, they were running out of steam and the fights would just not stop. When people are frustrated, they vent out on their closest person. And nothing hurts a relation more than that. Especially, when you don’t get to experience the physical proximity, that meaningful look in the eyes, the comforting touch, and just that visual sense of the moment. Although their arguments would be about wanting to be with each other, nonetheless they were arguments and bitter ones that brought with them all the pent-up frustration from the past 3 and a half years.

And one day, Shailendra just couldn’t take it anymore. He decided this was physically and emotionally draining for both of them. “Pooja, there is no longer any love here, we just hurt each other and make our lives miserable. I don’t think there is enough love to last us through this test of time. Maybe, we should move on…” Shailendra put forth hesitantly. “No, no, I don’t understand what you are saying. Who doesn’t fight, and all our fights are about being with each other, so both of us want the same thing, to be together”, Pooja said defensively. “But, the fact is we are not together, and there doesn’t seem to be any chance of that changing soon”, Shailendra added.

“Shail, I do believe things would be different, if I was there, right next to you. Please understand, we have been patient all along, don’t give up now!”, muttered Pooja in a desperate attempt to reclaim what she soon seemed to be losing.

But, Shailendra was so bogged down by the numerous failed attempts to put a stop to these fights they would have. Arguments over not making enough time for each other, the frustration of physically not being there for each other. It was never going to be a bed of roses, but it had now become almost impossible to pick out the thorns without pricking each other’s hearts.

Yet, Pooja exclaimed, “Please, I have to see you once!”. “What do you expect me to do, hitchhike on a ship? I cannot, I simply cannot come back right now, and I don’t have the strength to wait for the day I can”, screamed Shailendra.

All these events were playing through their minds, making them dizzy that chilly October morning. Pooja and Shailendra were finally meeting each other, she had finally made it across. Her long standing wish had come true, she was here, for closure! That summer afternoon 11 years ago, Shailendra had called it off, was the beginning to the end of their relationship. There were bitter, angry, remorseful arguments after that conversation, interspersed with futile attempts to resuscitate their love. But, nothing worked; the damage was done and there was no aid in sight for their bruised relation. Parents were consulted, and Pooja and Shailendra were advised to move on. And move on, they did, battered and bruised, helpless and hopeless. And then they realized, it is easier to break ties when there is no love, when you leave a person in hatred, in anger, in vengeance. But, when you see there is love, just not the right stage for it, it becomes unimaginably challenging to sever those silken threads. 

But, remember Pooja and Shailendra had the practical kind of love. So, they made the right choice for each other; above all they wanted to see the other person happy. And this relation was just not what was making either of them happy. Today Pooja was here, but only on a temporary dependent visa with her husband. And she did not want to lose this chance to close that major chapter of her life with dignity and grace. She wanted to be happy and remorse-free. “It was never us, Shail…. Umm, Shailendra! It was the situation. We are good people, we had true love. But love doesn’t necessarily culminate in marriage. There are all sorts of love….”, started Pooja. “And ours was the kind, where we hurt each other?”, said Shailendra quizzically. “You still don’t get it, do you? It was the lessons from our relation that led us to find happiness, made us responsible, mature spouses today”. “But how is that fair? We go through turbulent times, so that our partners can have perfect spouses. If it was us, who survived through it, it should have been us who got to celebrate it”, said Shailendra angrily. “I know, I know… I am just glad that we nipped it at the right time. We were turning into monsters”, added Pooja with a smile. Shailendra laughed hard, and said, “Wow, I must say you are quite the ray of sunshine, where is that coming from?”. “That tends to happen when you are advocating for families torn apart by immigration laws. They need hope, not the depressing statistics of tight-lipped immigration authorities”, Pooja said with passion. 

“So, what, you are a lawyer now?”. 

“No, just using my experience to counsel families. I told you there were all kinds of love. And I found my new love in making sure no one goes through what we did”. 

“And what about us, what do we share?”, said Shailendra as their eyes met, eyes that had the sorrow of a painful past. They knew things didn't always work out as expected, whether you give them time or not. It is almost like every event in your life has a mind of its own;  a mind that leads you to your destiny. And there were no two people who knew this better than Shailendra and Pooja. They might have been seeing each other after almost a decade, but they were perfectly familiar with the whims of time. They knew how it felt to be helpless at the hands of time and distance. They knew perfectly well how the dimensions of life changed with time and distance. They had witnessed the unwilling dance to the rhythm of time. And they had experienced the strongest of people fall prey to this unexpected predator.

Pooja broke the trail of thoughts, silently adding,“Friendship, a history, and life lessons, that’s what we share.  And that kind of bond doesn’t break easily, there are no obligations, nothing there that cannot deal with despicable laws and roadblocks”. With or without prejudice, bonds and memories are not something that can be rejected by embassies, a relation might be broken, but if the ties are strong enough, a new relation builds on the old one; a bond that cannot be ‘rejected without prejudice’.

The invisible comrade

It is the thing that a kid fears,

wakes him up from nightmares,

The thing that a wife detests,

awaiting for a shoulder to calm her unrest;

That emotion a widower feels,

as he, at the crossroads of life, kneels;

The tear on a parent's cheek,

gives away more than the lips could speak;

The inevitable truth,

causing people to go uncouth;

Robbed of grace and poise,

in this tryst with noise;

Lonely man was destined to be,

solitude was his bride to be;

Then why seek a consort,

when your soul is the last resort;

Is it the fear of silence,

the drear of melancholy?

Or the colloquy with your essence,

that makes you crave a coveted presence?

Camaraderie with your quintessence,

Indulging in shenanigans;

Life at your heart's behest,

cardinal to satiate your quest.

Independence Day, Happy or Somber?

Our forefathers might have put in their blood and sweat to free this country and its people from the clutches of tyranny, but would they be pleased to witness the shape and form Free India has taken? What would the Bhagat Singhs, Gandhis, Subhashchandra Boses of the revolutionary era have to say about our motherland today? Have we as a nation done justice to their struggles, have we been able to fulfill their dreams, have we actually broken free of the evils of colonial India? Are we failing the bright young faces of India, are we denying them a worthy future?

In some respects, I am sure they would feel proud of the progress this country has made. It has gone from being colonized to being taken notice of across the globe. It has carved its niche in many a fields and brought glory to the people. This country's citizens have made their presence felt in almost every country. But, are these people representative of the country as a whole? Have the issues of poverty, illiteracy, inequality actually been addressed? Does India Shining represent a certain section of the population or the whole country? Should we actually feel proud that our citizens are globe-trotting, making a name for their country; or should we look deeper into the reason behind them actually globe-trotting? It is very convenient to focus on the obvious positives of a country and take solace in that. But, it takes much more strength and conviction to face the negatives and try to look into them.

I know it is very easy to talk about the shortcomings of a country, but actually realizing that and working towards improving is a tough task. In the past year, there have been several occasions, where the country has stood together and tried to make themselves heard. And I feel respectful and proud of that fact. In some cases, the voices actually made a difference, and in others, they were simply ignored. What makes me happy is that people are ready to accept the failures of this country and try to find a solution. Whether or not this is a pragmatic approach that will get through to the people in power is a debatable issue. 

In light of these facts, there are certain issues that have cropped in recent times, that provoke me to think if I actually should be celebrating my country's Independence Day. I am not even sure if the common man in India, even feels like this is an event to be celebrated. And like them, there are some reasons, this Independence Day is a somber occasion for me:

1. Inhuman suppression of women: 

What happened in New Delhi last December is one of the most shameful pictures of India being painted. And it is not like, it was the first time women had encountered such a fate. But, the brutality of this incident was what sent shivers down everybody's spine. It was a rude awakening for the law enforcement authorities when their lack of action was brought to the forefront. It is also true that such incidents happen in other countries too, and it would be incorrect to judge Indian society by that. But, this incident brought to the forefront the appalling indifference of the community and police towards the triggers that lead to such events. The fact that we take the early signs lightly, and to add to that our movies glorify stalkers as eternal lovers, is not only disturbing but soul-shaking. This was one of the occasions where the voice of the people actually made some difference, in terms of faster and more conscientious actions from the authorities. Whether or not this is a matter that eventually gets lost among a pile of other old headlines is to be seen.

2. Increasing indifference: 

The dark hole we send our armed forces down

Is this some kind of cruel joke the country's leaders are playing with the men in green? How many more times do the men defending your country need to be tortured, insulted, debased before you actually take a stern step. The supposed leaders of this country have done nothing but bring shame to the families of these soldiers and made a complete fool out of themselves at the global level. And to add salt to the injury, there is not one, but two neighbors putting their foot in the door. We have had to deal with Chinese incursions this year and now the violations from Pakistan. Could you imagine America or any other other formidable country taking this like a sitting duck? Then why do we take this lightly? Again, it is heartening to know that people are taking notice of this injustice and trying to urge the leaders to come out of their slouch. But, we as a nation have to come out of our soft target image, and adopt an absolute zero-tolerance policy.

3. Inflation, bribery, power games, scandals: 

Seems like a line straight out of a mafia movie, but this is the state of our country that really worries me. With so many scandals uncovered and new ones cropping up every few days, the only thing that comes to my mind is that of the power hungry being ready to put at stake the common man. They don't care if their corruption or bribery costs some people their lives, or even the chance to earn a decent meal. With bribery, goes hand in hand inflation and the ever-increasing prices of basic commodities. It is easy to say that there is a growing middle class that can afford all this, but it fills me with pain to even think of how the lower classes might be surviving. How is it fair that we have India Shining on the one hand and India Drowning on the other? 

I know it is very easy for me to comment from a distance, and a lot of people would suggest that I show it in my actions rather than words. But, I have absolutely no clue as to how to bring order to this society. Are we doomed for inequalities? Is this what we are supposed to accept as our country's fate and let it pass? When I was younger, I thought the answer to this was to take action and bring about a change. But, looking at people like Durga, who tried to take a right step and was penalized for it, I no longer trust that actions of certain self-righteous people can transform this country. 

Although, the silver lining to all these issues is the fact that there is growing awareness and a need to bring about a change among the people. Having lived away from India for 4 years, I find utter respect for the masses who have made the effort and have attempted to bring about one small change at a time. It is not easy to be in the eye of the storm and still be capable of thinking straight, to find a solution. I don't know how strong of a voice the masses would have to present for the top tier to actually be scared and take necessary measures, but the attempt to stand by each other is a victory in my eyes. In the past, even the general public has ignored the signs of doomsday and moved on. The fact that they feel the need to protest is in itself a start. Whether the momentum is enough to get this country through true independence from these evils is something that only time can tell.

Of opinions and biases!!!

If you are active on any of the social media avenues, you would have heard of the event that is doing the rounds lately. This event has all the trademarks of something that can keep you hooked. There is drama, beautiful people, a lot of anticipation and excitement attached to it and most important, there is love and the underlying notions of humanity. It is supposed to be one of the first Indian lesbian weddings and everybody seems to have an opinion. The official photographer who is friends with the couple was touched to be part of the celebration and in turn created a photo montage. He is the one who made the pictures public and tried to carve a story through his pictures for friends and family. (For more on that, click here).

What is normal and what is not?

What he and the couple entering wedded bliss might not have realized is that this little venture turned out to be the staging area for many debates and opinions. As with every social issue, people tend to have an opinion and with SNS so easily accessible, it has become increasingly simple to lend a voice to your thoughts. Every person is entitled to his/her opinion. With respect to sexual orientation, there are people who get uncomfortable, others that vehemently support the issue, some others who detest people out of the usual (whatever usual might mean), and others who would rather just ignore the issue altogether. There is a wide spectrum of reactions elicited from people and especially when it comes to laws being framed around the issue, the voices become louder and clearer. Questions like whether it is legal or acceptable in society start arising. My concern is that we as liberals favor democracies, but want to curb the rights of some people. How does that support the principles of democracy? 

Yet again, there are people who liken implementing gun control to a violation of rights. It is not that I am comparing the right to love someone with the right to own a firearm. It would be like comparing apples to oranges. There are multiple dimensions to these issues and that is a completely different debate. But in both cases, the commonality is the fact that there are people with opposing views, numerous opinions and strong reactions. What I am unsure of is whether these opinions transform to biases somewhere along the line. Currently, sexual orientation is the flavor of the decade. But, all through human civilization, there have been issues with people on different sides of it. As the intelligent animal we are touted to be, it is thoroughly acceptable for us to have opinions and choices. But, is it fair to justify our opinion and use that to discriminate against someone with an opposing opinion?

A week ago, me and my husband were having a conversation over our weekend brunch (which is fertile ground for many of our debates), and got into a heated argument over some issue. And that is when I realized that is is very difficult to have a bias-free opinion. Bias necessarily does not mean exposing someone to insult, or inflicting physical or mental abuse. Just the fact that we consider people to be out of the normal and form certain impressions about them could lead us to compartmentalize them and establish notions,which might not always be true. We don't realize many times, but even thoughts can be discriminating; it does not always have to translate into action. Even though discrimination in its truest form might have been rendered inactive, there are always subtle discriminatory phenomena. Associating people with a certain habit and trying to avoid them, because they belong to a certain nationality or ethnicity is in a way discriminatory. Assuming that one person represents the whole group is being biased. Assuming women can't work in physically strenuous jobs because their physical make-up is different from men would mean harboring a prejudice. And even though, it might not feel wrong to the person doing it, the person at the receiving end knows that he/she is being looked at differently. 

So does all this mean that you are not supposed to have an opinion at all? I am not so sure I can answer that. After all my pondering, all I know is that it is very difficult not to let your opinion affect your judgement. And the best practice that I have been trying to implement is to judge as less as possible. There is no way I can stop myself from having an opinion, let alone stopping someone else. So, the best I can do is not to let my opinions interfere with my interactions with people. Yes, I may not like smoking; but that does not mean that there is something wrong with smokers. Just like I have an opinion, they have a choice. It is their free will they are exerting and there is no reason to judge them for that. They may be perfectly good people, excellent at work, kind at heart; and their habit should not stop me from recognizing them for who they are. But like they say, easier said than done.

What do you think, could you keep opinion and bias separate?

What would you do? : Tag along!

So, the third in the series is on the lighter side. If you look at it, at each step in our lives, we are faced with choices. And unknowingly, we pick one over the other. There is no right or wrong, it is exactly what the word says: a free choice, and if one choice may work for one, it may not work for somebody else. At most, what is pertinent is, the timing of the choice. What I am trying to understand is what drives those choices and how do we know which choice is right for what occasion.

A few days back, as the class was wrapping up and all of us getting ready to rush to our busy routines, I noticed the girl next to me. I had never actually spoken to her, but had seen her in class a number of times. She must have been almost the same age as me. So, as she got up, and my eyes followed her, to my shock, I noticed that a stick-on tag with the dimensions of the jeans, was still intact on the back of her pant leg. It must have been a new pair and if she was anything like me, must have worn the new possession the first chance she got. My first reaction was a smile, as I felt a strange sisterhood with her. Sisterhood, because I could totally see this happening to me. I buy new clothes, try them on, and hang around at home to get a feel, and then walk out the door, feeling Oh-so-wonderful in my new clothes, forgetting to get the tag off. It is my husband who reminds me most of the times and if not for him, I would be walking around with tags all the time. So, I could completely imagine what must have happened with that girl.

Now, as I was thinking about all this, she started walking up the stairs to the door leading outside the classroom. And all I kept thinking was, "Should I tell her?". I knew her. But we weren't so close that I would be able to predict her reaction. There were two ways this could go: either she would be relieved that somebody had told her and saved her the humiliation of going through the whole day with the tag on, or she could be embarrassed that I had noticed and now she had to face me. And I had no clue how it would go. If I were her, I would have wanted my friend to save me from the humiliating looks that I would garner throughout the day. But, a friend telling you is different from a stranger. When a friend brings it up, it is a funny situation where you can laugh together. When a stranger brings it up, your face goes red and you suddenly realize the lack of a place to hide. 

Just the other day, I walked into a party with the tag on my shirt. My only saving grace was my braid that hid it. But, it was not going to last long. Somebody noticed it and came up to me saying that the tag was showing. As graceful as I tried to be, I started getting fidgety, with my ears and cheeks going a bloodshot red. It was the same feeling you get when you trip and fall and try to make zero eye-contact, assuming that nobody noticed. All I could think of in that moment was 'Why had this person told me?'. Had he not mentioned, I would have gone through the party happily. I could not figure if I was grateful or agitated at him for bringing it to my notice.

So, what is the right thing to do in such a situation? Just ignore and let the person discover their folly, giving them the solace that nobody noticed, or actually point it out, put them through temporary embarrassment and save them the sideways glances? I never know which one is right. I guess the comfort level with the person might direct my actions. So, my question is, what would you do in such a situation and what would you prefer people to do if you were on the receiving end? Do our answers change depending on who the person is? And should they change? Just some questions that linger on and bring on the larger issue of what is morally right may not always be socially appealing.

There are many situations like these when you are not sure of the other person's reaction. And although, you might want to step in their shoes, it is not always easy. Because every person is different, and every person handles embarrassing moments in unique ways. What, then is the acceptable protocol and is there even one?

As always, please take a moment to share any experiences or comments!

Harmonious Living: Empathy for animal life!

At the start of every movie, there is a disclaimer: "No animals were harmed while shooting this movie". And it makes me wonder if the disclaimer is there only because of the animal rights board or because of a conscientious crew. The chances of the first scenario are higher. There are very few people who actually care whether animals are hurt or not. There are few people who consider animals as equals, who deserve rights of their own. And although, the animal welfare board and animal rights commission have done a great job in increasing the awareness, it is just that: an awareness campaign. For something like preventing cruelty, it is empathy that is required. Awareness without empathy is like having a computer without the correct programmer. The computer will do what it is asked to, but if the programmer does not give the right direction, the computer can only perform pre-defined tasks. Similarly a society that runs in the fear of animal activists will do only what is required, but not think about what more can be done.

The Prevention of Cruelty to Animals Acts can direct people to protect the integrity of animals, but these acts cannot make people empathize and sympathize with animals. This is where animal welfare organizations come in. They do work under the preamble designed according to the Acts, but they go the extra mile in sensitizing the society towards the animal race. It is extremely pivotal that sensitization occurs at a young age, when there are no inherent biases in the cultivable mind. These organizations conduct awareness programs, but also bring the society, especially children in close quarters of the animals, in an attempt to reduce their inhibitions of animal contact. These organizations believe in the motto: "Today's aware child is tomorrow's responsible citizen!". By doing so, an opportunity is presented for people to experience the trauma of being an abused animal. Occasions like these stimulate the emotion centers in the brain and floods the person with a wave of responsibility and pro-activity. Especially if children try to be gentle to animals, it is difficult for parents and adults to let their children down. And so, there is promotion of the principles of the organization.

A post-operative hit and run case. 

One such organization is the Nagpur SPCA. SPCA is the Society for Prevention of Cruelty towards Animals and has multiple branches across India and the world. These branches are affiliated to the original Royal Society for Prevention of Cruelty towards Animals. I was born and brought up in Nagpur and thus, have witnessed the impactful work of Nagpur SPCA. The variety of ventures taken up by this society have been umpteen, ranging from releasing snakes from snake-charmers, tending for hit-and-run cases, rescuing wild animals, relief centers to tackle natural calamities (earthquake in Latur), running adoption campaigns for strays and many others. This society has not only worked for domesticated animals , but has ventured into the often unexplored realms of wildlife and has left no stone unturned in the attempt to preserve wildlife, at the same time, keeping citizens safe. 

A blind kitten being treated and housed at the animal shelter.

But, the most consequential problem that agitates the common man is of stray dogs, and that is one of the first things that needs to be tackled to generate empathy from people. If children are going to suffer from dog bites, contract infections from strays, nobody would ever want to work for the betterment of these animals. The Nagpur SPCA had realized this well ahead in time and accordingly, developed a long-term strategy to tackle with this ever-existent problem. These steps aim to uproot the main cause of disruption in the animal-human balance and create a more harmonious life for both races. 

It is important to realize that every issue has two sides to it. And as much as animal activists might want to promote the cause of animals, they have to acknowledge the fact that it cannot be at the cost of human life. It is this same thought that Nagpur SPCA has embedded in their task plan. If strays are inadvertently affecting the human population, the solution is not to send the animals to pounds and put an end to their life. f that were the case, every antisocial element in the society would be sentenced to death. We don't do that to people who behave like animals; then why the discrimination? Why not think logically and rise above barbarism? Why not think of animals as an indispensable part of the society? Once we do that, both races can thrive.

The solution suggested by Nagpur SPCA is to bring down the stray population and make them safe to be around. Strays do not crop up themselves. Most of the times, a stray locality is started by some dog owner no longer wanting to bear the responsibility and letting their dog out on the street. Once the dog is out, there is breeding and a litter of pups adds on to the stray population. If a few simple measures were adopted, the dog population would be cut down drastically and would present with a long term solution. But nobody wants to look at the big picture. People just want to take actions that will give them results then and there.

Stray puppies waiting to be adopted

It is creditable that this organization is trying to appease all members of the society by simple measures like Animal Birth Control (ABC) program, Anti-rabies vaccination for strays, Adoption campaigns, and  Awareness programs for the need to keep pets leashed. Under the ABC program, the organization plans to target different pockets of the city and procure as many strays in the area as possible, perform a castration surgery (sterilize the dogs), earmark the dogs for identification and release the dogs back to their locality. This method basically eliminates the chance of mating and prevents generation of fresh litter. It is also taken care that when the dogs are brought in, they are vaccinated against rabies (a fatal disease communicable to humans). At the same time, the organization is promoting adoption of stray pups, in a hope of reducing the stray numbers.

Strays peeking out of their rooms at the shelter.

Although, this is a rosy picture, the fact remains that all these ventures need a lot of infrastructure and money backing. The Municipal Corporation and government aid is able to support only so much; beyond a certain extent, the organization needs to rely on donations and external support. Support can be in any form: unwanted medicines, extra food, feeding bowls, etc. The local bakeries have been kind enough to provide SPCA with leftover crumbs rather than dispose them of. Sometimes, it is just a matter of knowing how to help. And if anybody would like to help, the administrators can be contacted for a visit to the animal shelter and hospital run by Nagpur SPCA, where the needs of the organization can be better gauged.

The measures adopted by SPCA have not only kept the menace of stray dogs at bay, it has also taken into account the existence of animals. They have not been fanatical about expecting people to take extreme measures for the protection of animals. Rational and feasible steps have been suggested. It is only for the community to take notice and contribute to a cause, which will, in the end, benefit the human race, without carrying the burden of bloodshed. This approach has been one of the hallmarks of this society and has helped in its successful establishment, presenting an acceptable image in the society. But, like all social causes, this needs financial support and emotional investment. A cause without emotional investment does not have ownership and without ownership, it is difficult to achieve goals. Goals that lead to the betterment of the society on the whole!

This blog post has been written for the National Social Venture Competition organized by iDiya.

What would you do? : Obstacle Race

So, the second scenario in the series, this is something I remember reading about it in a moral education book, when I was 10. It has been such a long time, and knowing that this lesson has been around for such a long time, I feel amazed that certain things never change.

A few months back, me and my husband were driving down from New York City to New Jersey, and were suddenly brought to an abrupt halt by a street light splayed right across the road, spreading out through almost three lanes. It was my husband's presence of mind that we weren't hit by the car behind us and didn't injure ourselves. The driver from the car behind us stepped up to help us extract the car wheels from the iron lamp post and to redirect the traffic. All three of us managed to get the pole off the highway, yet there was some rubble right in the middle.

As we drove off, and recovered from the shock, we started talking about how bad it could have been and why weren't there any signs, warning drivers about the collapse. At that time, I asked my husband if we should be calling 911 and let them know of the incident, so at least other drivers would be safe. Even though, we were contemplating our next step, a voice inside said, "Somebody must have called already"! That voice, which blurs your vision, blurs the call of responsibility. And as usual, we over thought it, and ended up not calling the police or roadways. 

The next day, I went through the newspaper, checking to see if there were any reports about injuries or accidents due to the pole collapse. Not finding any news, I felt relieved that not calling after all, did not lead to any harm. But, it could have! When our car was screeching across the steel rubble, all I could think was why hadn't the authorities done anything about it. And minutes later, when we had escaped, I had forgotten about how the authorities would help. The problem is we think men in authority are superheroes, they should know everything, they should be capable of being present at multiple places at once, they should have the power to right the wrongs of every citizen and above all, they should be successful without any help from the common man. 

Unfortunately, this is not how it works. Authorities can do their jobs well, only if the citizens are responsible. And most of us have a very trivial definition of responsibility: there should be responsibility towards us, but we should not be held responsible for anything. Sometimes, all it takes is a phone call, and that could help the authorities do their job and save people trouble. Why is it that once we are out of the woods, we forget about the people who could get stuck there? Aren't we supposed to be social animals, who are co-dependent? Why do we walk away from trouble, assuming that it is not our job. It is my job, my husband's job, my neighbor's job, your job, every person's job. 

What is the worst that could have happened even if we called 911? They would have told us off, saying they were aware of the situation. So what? At least I wouldn't have lost sleep over whether the rubble was removed, whether there were any accidents, if anyone was hurt. I have tried to change things after that, and what helps me is reminding myself that nobody else had seen the blunder. If they had, I wouldn't be stumbling across a pothole or some other hazard. Procrastination is mankind's biggest enemy. And I have had to fight it down many times, but I am glad that lately, I have been able to come out a winner.

So, my question again, is, what would you have done? Would you have walked away or done your part? Every person is busy in their fast paced life, but should we be waiting for an accident to come as a rude awakening? Overcoming the hurdle of procrastination turns out to be one of the most challenging tasks and how one does it, completely differs from person to person.

Looking forward to hear your thoughts, reactions and experiences!

What would you do? : Spitsville

Life is full of choices. But the most important ones are where you have to identify right from wrong and pick a path. We come across such moments quite frequently in our daily routines, maybe some of us give it a thought, and then we move on to follow our busy schedules. This column is my attempt to reflect on such occasions and not let the sense of responsibility escape from me, on the pretext of a busy life. 

Also, this is where I would like my friends, and readers to share their thoughts and think out loud about their experiences. I am hoping to open up a discussion and do the right thing as a community.

So, here goes...

Spitsville:

Having grown up in India, "Gutkha Spit" was something that became part of the surroundings. As unhygienic as it was, I never saw the frequency of the spit marks go down. I remember corners of our apartment system lined by red streaks. Every other year the maintenance would paint the walls and within just a few weeks, the walls would return to their former glory, so to say. It was beyond my understanding what compulsive disorder people suffered from, unable to stop themselves from spoiling something pristine.

As I grew up, I got used to the fact that some things never change, the same thought a lot of Indians have grown up with. By the time I had my own independent thought process, there was nothing that used to annoy me more than people spitting all along the road, walking by. It had become part of their natural demeanor, and this with awareness signs all around. T.B used to be a deadly disease in India, and there was almost an epidemic of it. Given that, there were multiple public awareness programs, discouraging people against spitting, as that is the most common means of spreading the disease. Yet, people spit, they ignore their health and others' health. The "Chalta hai" attitude prevailed. I couldn't understand why nobody would stop these people.

And one fine day, on my way back from college, I just couldn't hold it in. I was riding my Dio, and the cyclist in front of me spit. I got ahead of him , and asked him why he had spit. He looked at me, with amusement, and said, "Aap pe gira kya (Did it land on you)?". As, I nodded my head in a "No", he was shocked to see me make an intervention, when it was supposedly none of my business. "Toh phir problem kya hai (So, what is your problem)?", said he in his defense.

So, my problem was that nobody thought it was their business. Why should I have had to be affected by it, before I can raise my voice? I tried explaining to him how spitting on the road is equivalent to spitting in his home. And he looked at me, like, I was crazy or something. But, one thing I did notice that he did not like to be cornered, and he quickly owned up, saying "Sorry". I drove away, but felt satisfied that I had at least conveyed that it is not okay to spit on the road. Maybe it was my naivety, that I thought it would change anything. But, today, 10 years later, I see things have improved a little bit. There are not as many red streaks along the walls of my apartment. And although, I do not know the reasons to this, I would like to believe that it was the voices of many people like me, that made things a little better, however little it maybe. 

Now, my question to you is, what would you have done in that situation? What would you do, today,  if you saw someone spit or throw trash on the streets? It is easy to expect everything to be clean and tidy, but who is going to do the dirty job, the dirty job of being loud and clear, of being stern and taking a stand "Sab kuch nahi chalta hai". I do not know if that person stopped spitting after that or not, but at least he spent those 2 minutes thinking about it. And sometimes, it just takes a thought to make you see between right and wrong. 

Have you had that moment? Have any of you had such an experience? Is it naive to expect one voice to change the society? Please share your thoughts!!