How much attachment?

A lot of the times, I think about how the human brain works. When we talk about 'mind, body and soul', which part of us are we really referring to as 'mind'? Is it the heart, the brain or something in between? The reason I am thinking about all this is because I want to know which part is responsible for developing emotions and nurturing them. Is it your brain directing you, because science says all your thoughts come from your brain. And the heart really is an organ for pumping blood. So why is it called heartache, when we don't know where these feelings are stemming from?

I still do not know what brings these strong feelings on, but I can say that sometimes they are really overpowering and can control a lot of aspects of your life. Just recently, me and my husband started looking for new apartments to move in and believe me, we must have seen almost every apartment place in the area, which must be at least 50. We even went a little away from our focus and started dreaming of having a bigger home. But, no matter how good the apartment was or how reasonable the rent was, once we came back home to our little 'home', nothing looked good enough for it. We went through this hunt for over a month, yet to no avail. At that point, all we wished for was to have an apartment in the same complex. You see, we have a single bedroom apartment and we were wanting to move into a two-bedroom. And each day, we explored new options for other places, yet in our heart of hearts, we wished hard to get a two-bedroom in the same complex.

What we had not really given a thought then, was the fact that even if we did find a house in the same vicinity, would it erase the uneasiness of moving into a new place? As we would soon realize, it would definitely not. We were lucky enough to get a call from our apartment system a week back and they said there was something we should have a look at. We went over to the office and couldn't believe how lucky we had gotten. The apartment was a perfect match for us; it had the same view, was much bigger, had an extra window and was sun-facing, which I loved. There was nothing in there, not to love. We looked at the apartment and knew without even talking to each other, that both of us would want to move in to this apartment for sure. We could hardly contain our excitement and started thinking about moving into the new place.

But a weird thing happened that night. I could not sleep at all, and images of the house started flashing in my mind. My journey of doubt began, I was not sure if we really should move into the house and I urged to see the house again. As soon as I stepped into the house, I started finding faults and flaws with the house and was not very happy with the house. My husband seemed to be fine. And when I asked him what he thought about moving in, he thought it was the perfect apartment and we shouldn't miss the chance. Then what was wrong with me?

And then it struck me? All these days, there was really nothing wrong with any of the apartments we had seen. It was my attachment with our first house that kept pulling me back. You have to face the fact that no two houses can ever be exactly the same. Yet we kept modelling our search on our present home, which of course was futile. Even when we found the closest match to our home, I thought there was something wrong. And it is not like our home had exceptional features. Had it not been already selected for me by my husband, I might not even have liked it as much. But, right now I loved it. I loved even the weird little oddities which could seem as hindrances to some, like the icicles in our window. And all this would be missing in the new place. No wonder, the house felt alien to me!!!

So how much attachment is acceptable and when does it become unhealthy? Do you ignore other considerations and only think about your emotions? And why isn't the brain stopping you from taking these decisions? Now, every time I look at out home, I think of what we are going to miss in the new house. I want to soak it in as much as possible. And as the moving day nears, I have to make myself tougher. I know I am not the only one having to move, there are so many who have to change houses often. Then how do they do it? Maybe, I have issues with letting go. I had them when I first moved to America, I did not want to let go off India and my home there. And today I don't want to let go off my abode. People say it is a blessing to have emotional strings and it helps to express your real self. But this attachment pains me and gives me restless hours. It is now that I wish I was not so vulnerable, because change is inevitable.

The way I look at it, you have to find ways to channel your attachments in a healthy way to handle change. And you don't always have to make a clean cut, but have to learn to carry a part of it with you and collate it with your new endeavors. I know I will miss this house and the times spent here, but I can look forward to recreating those in the new house and make it a home. All along, we were looking at houses and hoping for them to be homes. But, what I did not realize was,  it is people who make a home, not windows, closets or bigger rooms. My husband said the sweetest thing to me the other day, when I was in tears over having the moving day so close. He kept telling me it was going to be okay and said "I am sure you would make the new house a wonderful home, just the way you did for this." That motivates me to move on and embark on the sweet challenges of setting up a new home and bringing life to it.

Driving Mania

Two days back, I stepped out of my break room for lunch, while at work and hoping to have a refreshing lunch with my husband, started walking towards the car.

A loud noise, as if a tire had burst; the sound of metal hitting and being shattered; the screeching sound of brakes and the sound of somebody being asked if they were alright, stopped me in my tracks. I was not prepared for what I saw next. It was a big truck overturned and tipped over, with its driver side hit really bad. There was a smashed car in the wrong lane, which stopped just in time to avoid the oncoming traffic. It was a split second in which all this happened and I could not wrap my mind around it. I thought I should maybe call 911, but I just froze. This was the first time I saw a crash so closely and it shook me.

But, there were others who were faster in their responses. And I saw a lady literally jump out of her car, with a cell phone in her hand, running to the tipped truck, and kept asking the driver if he was alright. I was listening to her intently and I heard "No" twice. I was scared and had goosebumps all over me. What would happen now, how serious were the injuries of the person, was he/she going to be alright? To answer all these questions and to take care of the situation, it was within a span of 5 minutes, that all the emergency vehicles arrived on the spot. The police, ambulance, fire engines, everybody was there. And yet they could not get the person out. To complicate issues, there was gasoline leaking out of the tank and had surrounded the vehicle. The impending task at hand was to take care of that, to prevent any chance of fire.

I could see the medics at work for almost 30 minutes, but the only thing that kept bothering me was the safety of the driver. What was the complication that so many people could not get him out? Lunch was over and I had not been able to eat too much. With a heavy heart, I went in, not knowing what would happen next, but hoping that the driver would be fine.

Noticing my pale face, my colleagues asked what was wrong and I narrated it to them. Although very consoling, they looked surprised that I was so badly affected by it. I kept telling them that it was my first time witnessing a crash. But, was it really true??? It is not like I hadn't seen accidents in India. So, what was it about this that brought tears to my eyes and scared me so much? After digging deep, I realized that all this while, I was under an illusion; as organized and well-kept America is, it could not be untouched by the perils of driving. After driving in the chaos of the Indian traffic, such regulated driving as in America led me to think of it as a perfect world.

But was it really perfect??? It couldn't be; nothing can ever be, which I think everyone will agree to. Something that puts humans in control of such large machines with high speeds, could never be safe and perfect. Because humans are designed to make mistakes, and it could be the tiniest mistake that could make this huge thing turn back on you. And to top it all, everything is like a high-speed chase.

It got me thinking; in India, there could be accidents, but they would not be so major. But, it is also a fact that help sometimes comes in so late, that the little accident becomes fatal. On the other hand, America has some of the fastest cars, some of the highest speed limits, and it would seem as nothing but inviting danger. Yet, the response time is so quick for emergency services, that someone could be saved from the jaws of death in the nick of time. So how do you chose the lesser of the two evils? Is it better to have numerous small accidents in your lifetime, one of which could cost you more? Or is it better to have one scary huge accident, but stand a chance of being saved?

I kept telling my friends, that it was better to be driving in India because it wasn't as scary. But was it true? The Indian driving scene is chaotic, everybody thinks as though they own the road, there is no concept of "right of way", everybody is always in a hurry and everyone wants to win the race, but it is forgotten that the roads are not even that good. There are bumps, potholes, and what not. Just because the speeds are not as high, driving becomes manageable and danger is kept at bay.

So, is driving in America scary, just because of the high speeds? Should the fact that the traffic here is more disciplined and the emergency services much better, be ignored? Weighing out both the options, I could only come to one conclusion. Driving, or for that matter, anything else in life is always going to have dangers. What matters is, if you are ready to take the risk and still be in control of the situation. And it is human to make a blunder, so we always have to be prepared for not just our own mistakes, but also take in account the mistakes others could make.

Driving has to be synergistic, otherwise it could only spell disaster, if everyone was to think only of their needs. And if we cannot be responsible enough to wisely enjoy luxuries, maybe we should go back to the times when the only way to reach destinations was by foot or on horse-back. I don't think there were any crashes back then. It would be a good time-out for irresponsible and reckless drivers. We should be made to realize that luxuries come with a pinch of salt, and only responsible people can make the best use of them. Think about it...

Customer Service Nightmare

I have been working with customer service for sometime now, and this was my first experience in this field. What  I have realized during this stint, is that customers are treated like Gods in this country. And maybe that has spoilt them. The things they expect us to do are just amazing.

Working at a library has brought me face to face with a wide range of people. Starting from toddlers to elderly people, each set comes with different issues. We have to agree though, that most of the people are nice and appreciative of the service extended to them, but then, there is that exclusive category of snobby people who feel they own us.

And things just get worse when there are emergencies like the December blizzard and the recent snowstorm. Just because machines take care of some stuff, people forget that it is humans who man the machines. And staff face the same difficulties as normal people do. You wouldn't believe the kind of calls we get on such days. One person called in when the snowstorm was at it's peak on Sunday, and asked the most ridiculous question "So, you are saying that the library is open for now, but what happens if I am on my way and you decide to close? Can you tell me for sure that you will be open till 5?". For one, you just go back home and drive through the bad weather, just like we did. And two, we are not mind-readers to know what the authorities are going to decide as to when to close.

People just forget that we are human too and it is not like we are an emergency service. And I understand that some customers might have impending things to be taken care of, for which they might require the computers or online services of the library. But it is when people call in for petty issues like returning a book or being late by one day. Do you think a 30 cent fine is more important than the safety of so many staff members??? At such times, it is necessary to humanize the situation and question yourself if you would like to be in that position? If your answer is no, it very well means that the other person must not really be enjoying being there, since, after all everybody is human.

Leave apart emergencies, even on regular days, the things we get inside books, the condition that books are turned in, are nothing short of nasty. We have had bobby pins, credit cards, bills and what not inside the books. And the worst part, is when they come running to you and want you to retrieve a credit card from inside a book that they can't even describe. Once books go through machines, they just land in their respective bins. It is not as if the machine detects credit cards and unwanted material and magically places it in an exclusive bin. This is a real world , not  fairyland. And when you try explaining the poor odds of finding their lost property inside the book, you become the bad guy and you get those looks of contempt and disgrace. But, you move on and smile at the next person, hoping that they are better.

If we were to hold a grudge for every ugly and dirty book that we handle throughout the day, we would be frowning all day. Books come in with coffee stains, sticky lotion, dog hair, bite marks, water and snow damage and everything else imaginable. If the book could speak, I am sure it would narrate us of the adventures it has had. It is almost like people have lost value for public property. Why doesn't anyone think of a simple thing, would you want to check out such a book? If you wouldn't, why would someone else? And why should other people be expected to take care of the results of  your neglect and irresponsibility?

It is like people have lost the respect for public property, and are taking public service for granted. Though unpleasant, I am glad that I got a chance to be on the receiving side, because I can perceive better the ordeals of others in the customer service industry. So that, when I am a customer at other places, I am able to show much more appreciation for what they do for us. Because I know how nice it feels, when people send in chocolates and sweet "thank you" notes; when people appreciate your efforts. Days like those make up for the other horrible endeavors with customers and helps us gear up for the nightmares coming our way!!!